Arranging a Funeral or Memorial Service

You and your spouse may want to ask a family member or friend to help you figure out what is best. Sometimes a family member or friend can place calls to funeral homes and cemeteries for you. You may want to talk with a pastor, rabbi, priest or other spiritual leader about your religious needs and beliefs surrounding the service.

There is no right or wrong way to have a funeral. Saying good-bye to your baby is a very personal and private matter. Ask for what you need, even if you think it won't make sense to others.

Choose a funeral home and director you feel comfortable with. You do not have to pick the first person you call. Find someone you feel will support your needs and choices. Ask about costs and the special things you want.

Be patient with yourself and each other. No one can be protected from the pain of losing someone so very loved. Parents go through this pain in their own way and at their own pace.

What Are Your Choices?

DO YOU WANT CREMATION OR BURIAL?
This is a very personal choice. If you have strong personal or religious feelings about either choice, don't ignore those feelings.

CREMATION

• If you choose cremation, you can decide what you want to do with your baby's ashes. The ashes can be buried in a small cemetery plot or put in a cemetery niche. You will need to contact a cemetery about these arrangements. Some parents find they want a place to visit later.

• You can tell the funeral director to scatter the ashes or you can take the ashes home to scatter later. You can also keep the ashes at home if you prefer.

• You can buy a family plot or you can buy a small plot just for your baby. Some cemeteries have a special section for babies.

• Some parents worry about the costs of burial. Most cemeteries can help you establish a payment plan.

• When your baby is buried, a marker with your baby's name is placed on the grave. A headstone can be ordered and placed on the burial site any time, so take time to think about what you want on the headstone.

A funeral service is held before the burial or cremation. A memorial service is usually held afterwards. The type of service you choose depends on your family's needs and beliefs. Some families have both. Some parents prefer to have a private service as soon as possible, while others would rather wait a while.

Where Do You Want the Service Held?

The funeral or memorial service can be held at the funeral home, at your own church or synagogue, at your home or at the gravesite. Some parents are comforted by being in their place of worship, while others would rather use the mortuary or chapel. Some parents choose a garden or park. Decide which location works best for you.

IF THERE IS A CASKET, DO YOU WANT IT OPEN OR CLOSED?
This is also a very personal choice. Seeing the baby seems to be a needed part of saying good-bye for some parents. This can be done in many ways:

• A public viewing for family and friends a day or so before the funeral.
• A private viewing for you, family and close friends just before the funeral.
• An open casket at the funeral.

Along with this booklet, you will receive a list of mortuaries and cremation services in Southern California. A member of Hoag's Social Services department may be able to help you identify burial services that meet your needs.

Making Your Good-Bye Your Own

There are many ways you can make your baby's funeral special. Here are some things other bereaved parents have done or wished they had done:

• Bring flowers from your garden.
• Arrange or purchase a spray of flowers for your baby's casket.
• Choose a special outfit for your baby.
• Dress your baby yourself or have a friend dress your baby for you.
• Tie the baby's bonnet or put on the shoes.
• Have pictures taken at the funeral by a friend or the funeral home.
• Keep a lock of your baby's hair.
• Make a footprint or handprint.
• Choose a special verse, prayer, song or lullaby for the service.
• Place a toy, blanket or something special to you in the casket.
• Bring your baby book or photographs of the baby with you to the service.

Children Going to the Funeral

The funeral gives children a way to say good-bye and show their love for their baby brother or sister. We all like to protect our children from the pain of death and sorrow, but it can be good for children to go to the funeral, if they want to. It may be good for children to see others expressing their emotions and that it is okay to cry. Some children feel better if they can give a small gift - a drawing, flower or small toy - to the baby. Going to the funeral may help your child feel more secure and part of the family.